Adoption touches the lives of millions of Americans. Every
year 50,000 non-relative to non-relative adoptions take place
in the U.S. That means 50,000 children are placed with families other than
the ones they were born into. Which means 50,000 women and 50,000
men every year sign away their rights to raise their own children.
This does not include other family members who lose their rights
to see and love those children, such as grand parents, siblings,
and other relatives.
Adoption touched my own life. In 1985, at the age of 27, I got pregnant. I grew up in a large family which was very abusive, and I knew at a very young age I did not want to be a mother. During my pregnancy I discovered that the decision I'd made years earlier was still true for me. My family did not support me. They gave me so much grief, and would not accept my situation. The Church did not accept me, and chose to punish me for my deeds, even though I'd planned to do the "right" thing by giving my baby life and surrendering her for adoption. Many adoption agencies and "professionals" teated me poorly as well, looking at me as a source of revenue rather than as a human being about to make the most difficult decision ever. And yet, through it all, my darling unborn child gave me the strength and support I needed to face the hell I went through, and to be strong until the end.
On December 31, 1985 I gave birth
to a healthy, lively girl. Seven pounds, 12 ounces, 21 inches
long, auburn hair and deep blue eyes. I named her Angelica, because
she is and always will be my angel. On March 6, 1986, I signed
papers relinquishing my rights to my daughter, permitting another
family to raise as their own.
My daughter's parents and I agreed to an open adoption arrangement.
We share pictures and letters every year, but I do not visit or see her. She has an older sister,
also adopted. My daughter loves animals, especially horses, is
highly creative, very funny, and wants to be a movie producer
some day. During the past couple years she's shown a lot of interest in, and talent for, videography and photography, especially of animals. She's also developed into an excellent and highly analytic writer. She's a very deep thinker, pondering every issue thoroughly. Most importantly, my daughter is very deeply loved by
her family, and will never experience the terrible things I grew
up with.
This whole episode of my life is still so painful to talk about and deal with. There are many friends who still do not know I have a daughter. Even though my situation is the very best - more than even I could have hoped for - it still requires a great deal of courage to face.
I am working to make adoption less mysterious and more accepted in our society.
I also hope to live to see the day birth mothers are less reviled,
and the myths which surround us will be gone forever.
FOR MY DAUGHTER
Dedicated to all Birthmothers
Words and Music ) 1994, 2003 by Mary McCarthy
Many are the years that passed us by
Since the day you left my side
Did you know I love you still
Do you know I always will
To hear the song, Click Here
This song is available on Binky's CD Squirrely Girl
For more information visit http://www.squirrelygirl.com
SOMEDAY I WILL BE REUNITED WITH MY DAUGHTER... maybe...
My Angel on Day of Her Birth
MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ADOPTION
Many eople have varying opinions about adoption, but unless you are a member of the adoptoin triad, you cannot know the pain and grief involved. I cannot speak for adoptees or adoptive parents. I can only guess at the thoughts and feeligns I have, and I cannot speak for all Birthmothers, but I can, AND I DO, speak for myself.
I am DEEPLY TROUBLED by the entire Adoption debate. Some television programs turn adoption into a reality-show game. Other shows like to reunite lost birth relatives. I do not favor either approach to dealing with adoption. The decision to adopt, to relinquish a child or to search for one's birth family is an intensely personal choice, and not one that should be played out in front of television cameras.
I am DEEPLY DISTURBED by the way adoption is addressed by the religious right (wrong!!!) and the pro-"life" movement. For over a hundred years women who gave birth to children out of wedlock were treated as criminals and forced to hide their "sins," relinquishing the rights to thier children (who were also viewed as "sin") without hope of ever seeing that child again or being allowed to properly grieve their loss.
If you doubt abuses in adoption existed, be sure to read about the Butterbox Babies in the links below, or see the film The Magdeline Sisters for a revealing look at some of the horrors inflicted on mother and child
Adoption is a life-long process. There is pain at every step, for everyone. This needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. It is not as the pro-"life" movement likes to proclaim - an act of love and bravery. Relinquishing a child for adoption - LOSING A CHILD - is the most heart-wrenching experience known. The pain does NOT go away. It simply changes. The grief and loss are REAL. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It is always, always there.
It is an absolute crime that in this day and age, 2004, our "enlightened" society still wants Birthmothers to go away, even with open adoption. Birthmothers are not given any sort of counselling for their loss. They are not allowed to publicly grieve or honor their loss.
Let's be real. Adoption is difficult at best. Birthmothers are not criminals and should not be treated as such. Our children deserve the right to know everything about themselves and their birth families that they wish to know. Counselling and support should be available for all members of the Adoption Triad. Counselling and support should be available for those who search, and those in reunion. I will work to my dying day to get the message out. Far too many of us have been treated cruelly for doing the "right" thing. And that needs to be fixed. Pronto
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